Chronic Introvert

You have no choice but to leave.

As I count my last months of stay in UP, I realized that time flew fast. With only 12 units left to enlist, I asked my self: “Why is it short-lived?” — I wanted time to stop. As I see everyone I know in school, I begin to feel the rush of emotions until I was awfully full of it. This is what I don’t like about friendships — you have a good laugh with them, engage in some long small talks and suddenly the attachment follows. I cannot deny that I have found family in one of the places in UP, but I never thought my home would be somewhere far from the corridors where I usually walk from class to class. UP AdCore welcomed me.

It was a hurtful blow that I got when reality told me, “You’re going to graduate next semester, bitch.” so what am I supposed to feel? I don’t really want to feel it but I have already invested a huge part of myself to it. It’s not my habit to place myself in settings that would give me a hard time detaching myself but I was caught in the situation such as this. This is utterly hard since I do not want this to end just yet. It is starting to end despite that it is only beginning. Ironic. I don’t know but maybe I just got over-attached or maybe this is just another episode of solitude. I hate being alone at 3 in the morning.

Tomorrow, I will be dealing with the same set of emotions again. I may have set aside them but they will be there because they are part of man’s needs. I never wanted emotions in my life but it always gets me when I let my guard down. I never wanted to part this early from my home. I never expected I would be this connected to the people in my home. It gives me goosebumps. I cannot imagine what my life in UP would have been if I never applied. I am now starting to have the wallflower syndrome.

I have always been one, just there, looking at people and seeing what they do but I do not speak of it. Often. Unless I was being talked to. But yes, I see  lot of things and I understand. Maturity you may say that this is, but I say this is just my way of not giving a shit but still having that judgment run through my mind. Wow, that was a clever shift of topic. So much for my unwanted feelings of attachment. Ugh.

Here I am, few minutes before 4 in the morning and I begin to contemplate. I don’t know if this is myself that realizes that I should start caring more or I just don’t want to give any shit anymore. It’s tiring, emotionally tiring. It is also cold, and this air conditioning apparatus makes it more depressing. Say hello to my psychologically created idea that I have ADD. Good night.

Well, you could leave the fear. Start by doing so. In that way, you will know what you should feel. If there is fear, there is anxiety. If there is anxiety, there is doubt. If there is doubt, how will you be able to move on?