Chronic Introvert

There was a man who talked to me in my sleep saying he knows what’s in my mind and uttered, “You’ve been meaning to tell her that you’ll look after her even if someone else has her.”

— That fucking man was right. 

I picked up a piece of paper under my bed

Yes, you’re single. But your heart well you say, it’s taken. It’s kind of a blur, isn’t it? Ironic. But that’s the truth in it, you’re single although you claim that someone has your heart but that person belongs to someone else already. You lose.

Or that feeling when you will ask yourself if you ever crossed her mind? Did she ever think of you the way that you think of her? Even just a millimeter of probability, what are the chances of you crossing her mind? Is that even possible for her?

Or the scene where you stare blankly and say “When was it ever my turn?” Seriously, when? Is there even a “when”?

Sometimes you stop for no reason and suddenly realize…it shall never be. No. Never. And then you try to forget her, turn off your feelings, but your heart won’t let you. You can’t. It’s an infinite hurting. So there you go, you bear all your emotions and just hope. So that just this once, even in your mind, you will feel loved. Temporary, imaginary, just all in the mind.

The problem you see, it’s only you who knows all these things. Sometimes, a lot of people know this too but weird as it is, she’s the only one who hasn’t got a clue about what’s happening. Is she numb? Or she just doesn’t give a shit at all?

But there you have it, most people choose to keep these things unsaid even if these are the things worth saying. They opt to stay silent and endure rather than having the guts to know the truth – hurtful or not. Yet, a lot of us are afraid. Heavily afraid. Afraid of what might set them free.

In scrutiny of the self on feelings.

I never wanted anyone to see or know what I am feeling. Yes, feelings exist in me. I have feelings. I always have a hard time explaining myself as well whenever I am asked what’s up or how am I doing. As much as I want to make them understand what they are dealing with, it’s just impossible. I can’t seem to place myself in a situation where I feel comfortable enough to let my guard down at trust them into telling what the heck is going on through my mind and what’s been bothering my chest lately.

As for attachments, I was never a fan of it. Getting attached means you should be able to let go eventually, but I’m not the kind that does so. It suggests that you are leaving a part of yourself to someone. It is not my cup of tea. With this, I avoid it. Better safe than sorry.

Maybe it’s just that I’m too worried of their departure, of those who will try to listen but would eventually leave. No one dared to promise they will never leave because no matter how hard they try to assure me, it will never be possible. I know they know that. It really is a struggle to try to manage these feelings, that at will you can shut it down but it never really is the case for a fact that feelings will show themselves no matter how you try to hide them. Control is such a short-lived remedy for feelings.

I don’t know now but I have been thinking, maybe it’s just time that I learn to get used to things. To get used to people leaving, to be accustomed that feelings are meant to be shown no matter how vulnerable you may look. To get comfortable that some people are willing to listen even without guarantee that they won’t leave. Maybe I need more time to understand what this really means and be able to embrace the fact that as humans, feelings are there and I am not a machine to be able to pull off an individual who is afraid of his feelings.

Have you ever had that feeling about someone who you really don’t assume any feelings for anymore but somehow still plays an important role in your life wherein no matter how you try to manage to move on from a previous emotion you once had for that someone, you just keep coming back?