Chronic Introvert

I find it hard to trust people. Whenever I do, I feel like I’m leaving a part of me in them. It’s not bad to trust someone, I just feel weird about it.

As much as I want to believe the assurance of you and me ending up together, I just can’t. Most of the time it’s just hard to hold on to things that might be temporary.

I don’t like showing emotions because vulnerability kicks in. Another, I get attached to friends and I cannot stand the fact that I may need them more than they need me.

I opt to judge. Not because I bash at someone but because I value personal truth as something that must be said. To judge is not merely to establish a lasting negativity but to state an idea of change. After all, there’s always room for improvement.

I may have ‘overfelt’ it.

I may have. I may have not. Either way, I felt it.

Oftentimes I ask myself, did I really every fell in love with someone genuinely? Who knows what genuine love is by the way? What encompasses its true essence? I guess it’s not that important to set a standard for that because people fall in love in various reasons. But just like everyone else, I tend to sensationalize the feeling. So maybe that explains why I ‘overfeel’ the emotion. Or maybe I was just born with high levels of oxytocin.

I always take the extra precautions of things I believe would heighten the feeling or maybe somehow prevent it from being ruined. Would it really matter if I felt it about someone who does not feel the same way about me? Suddenly questions start flowing through my mind. I begin to overthink which practically creates unnecessary situations and disrupts the usual normal feeling of having the emotion.

I’m having second thoughts. Again, for the past months I suppose. I can’t seem to see into her these days. It kills me. I can’t do anything worth the effort but in my mind, I always think of her. And because of those, I can’t see myself with her. I feel incapacitated that I might not be enough for her demands or even fit enough to be with her. I don’t understand why. All I know is it scares me for reasons I don’t know if they really exist.

I think I might be boring. Small talks are hard to be kept going you know. I don’t understand things lately. I’d like to talk to her but I think I am annoying her. Few Fridays ago, I had this urge. But still, I cannot comprehend her acts, twitches, sighs and exhales; in short — EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. Why do I even do this, I don’t know.

I thought this is going somewhere, but I think I might be wrong. JUST MAYBE. I get her hints, she doesn’t get mine. I see the real her, they don’t. But maybe I’m just creating images and reasons in my mind. Because maybe the things she does to me are just as what she does to others and I only treat them as special since I like her. Not simply like, more of strong feelings for her. I hope she knows that.

And here I go again with self-supporting reasons why I should keep on going. I believe every person who has been in this situation have thought of the stupidest scenarios and hapless truths. For one, I don’t see her often but that never changes things. Distance cannot define the truth about how I feel. Why should things change? Just because there is distance or simply that she and I don’t get to physically be with each other on a daily basis? Yes, she and I talk with lots of people, friends but I still feel that we are strangers. Yet it never changes the way I feel. At the end of the day, it is still her that I think of.

Whenever I get the thought of her in me, do you bite your tongue? I know I could not erase the smile on my face when I do that, and moreover, I could not even think straight with regards to my acads at times. But she ironically balances thoughts in my head that she makes me go out of the ordinary to still manage to get high grades but make me go crazy and disoriented afterwards. So, does she bite her tongue or unconsciously smile too?

I know she is that staggering outburst that turns me upside down. She makes me uncomfy. She makes me stutter. She makes me go cheesy. And she makes me someone better. I suddenly become a poet, then a pick-up-line guy. I turn into a comedian and after a while I suddenly shift into being myself again. Oh my, the little things she does struck me always like strong punches out of a boxer.

I think too much about her. And I don’t mind.

Too much of her is never enough I guess. But enough of her is just a minute of happiness. She gives me reasons as to why I treat her as an exception to my standards. As to why I manage to give deeper understandings of what she does. She on the other hand goes on with her life with or without my presence. She keeps up with all the trouble and all of the things she has going on. Still, she inspires me. But I cannot swallow loving her right now. I guess.

Although it’s not often, I may have ‘overfelt’ it.

You have no choice but to leave.

As I count my last months of stay in UP, I realized that time flew fast. With only 12 units left to enlist, I asked my self: “Why is it short-lived?” — I wanted time to stop. As I see everyone I know in school, I begin to feel the rush of emotions until I was awfully full of it. This is what I don’t like about friendships — you have a good laugh with them, engage in some long small talks and suddenly the attachment follows. I cannot deny that I have found family in one of the places in UP, but I never thought my home would be somewhere far from the corridors where I usually walk from class to class. UP AdCore welcomed me.

It was a hurtful blow that I got when reality told me, “You’re going to graduate next semester, bitch.” so what am I supposed to feel? I don’t really want to feel it but I have already invested a huge part of myself to it. It’s not my habit to place myself in settings that would give me a hard time detaching myself but I was caught in the situation such as this. This is utterly hard since I do not want this to end just yet. It is starting to end despite that it is only beginning. Ironic. I don’t know but maybe I just got over-attached or maybe this is just another episode of solitude. I hate being alone at 3 in the morning.

Tomorrow, I will be dealing with the same set of emotions again. I may have set aside them but they will be there because they are part of man’s needs. I never wanted emotions in my life but it always gets me when I let my guard down. I never wanted to part this early from my home. I never expected I would be this connected to the people in my home. It gives me goosebumps. I cannot imagine what my life in UP would have been if I never applied. I am now starting to have the wallflower syndrome.

I have always been one, just there, looking at people and seeing what they do but I do not speak of it. Often. Unless I was being talked to. But yes, I see  lot of things and I understand. Maturity you may say that this is, but I say this is just my way of not giving a shit but still having that judgment run through my mind. Wow, that was a clever shift of topic. So much for my unwanted feelings of attachment. Ugh.

Here I am, few minutes before 4 in the morning and I begin to contemplate. I don’t know if this is myself that realizes that I should start caring more or I just don’t want to give any shit anymore. It’s tiring, emotionally tiring. It is also cold, and this air conditioning apparatus makes it more depressing. Say hello to my psychologically created idea that I have ADD. Good night.